If there's one lesson boys learn when growing up, it's the value of being tough, the value of winning.
The heroes of the big screen portray the ideal man as rough and rugged. James Bond never gives up. Neither did the characters played by John Wayne. And Rocky always won the big fight - or if he didn't win, he at least “goes the distance.” Those guys never gave up. And we don't want to give up either.
That resistance to raising the white flag serves men well during war or in a job situation that requires perseverance. It can help us hang in there when times are tough in a relationship. But when it comes to compulsive behavior, a refusal to give up only prolongs our agony. It leads to greater enslavement and harm.
Of course, most of us won't surrender until we know we're beaten or we know defeat is on the way. Maybe you're not convinced you even have a problem, or if you are, you're not sure how serious it is.
How to Know If You're Hooked
It's important to understand that sexual addictions don't happen overnight. They take time to develop. But when they're full-blown, a man won't be able to resist the repeated urge to enter into a love relationship with a sexual object or experience that gives him pleasure and the illusion of intimacy.
That last sentence defines an addict:
1. He's hooked and can't say no.
2. The object of his addiction gives him two things: pleasure and an illusion of intimacy.
Not everyone who struggles with sexual compulsions is an addict. Some men abuse their sexuality for a period of time and then grow out of it. Many men with a regrettable sexual experience in the past put it behind them and move on.
But not everyone is so fortunate. Some men block emotional pain with sexual pleasure. Over time they have to try increasingly risky forms of sexual behavior in order to deaden the pain. Eventually their world revolves around sex. Their obsession has taken over their life.
The Sexual Addiction Test
Patrick Carnes suggests a series of four questions aimed at helping us discover if we have a sexual addiction and if so, how far it's progressed.[1] While asking yourself these questions, it's crucial that you are brutally honest. The first step in dealing with a problem is admitting we have one.
ONE - Is Your Behavior Secret?
Are you doing things you refuse to tell others about? Do you feel that if those closest to you knew what you were doing, they would reject you or strongly disapprove of your actions? Are you telling lies to cover your behavior? If so, you're isolating yourself from those you love and entering into a potentially addictive relationship with an object or event.
TWO - Is Your Behavior Abusive?
Does your sexual behavior create pain (emotional or physical) for you or others? Is it degrading or exploitative of others? Do you find yourself performing increasingly abusive acts? Do you derive pleasure from watching others being abused in some way?
THREE - Is Your Behavior Used to Deaden Painful Feelings?
Are your sexual actions an effort to change your mood rather than express affections? Do you masturbate or search for some other sexual outlet when you're depressed, bored, or angry? If your sexual behavior is used to erase pain, it's part of an addictive process.
FOUR - Is Your Behavior Empty of Genuine Commitment and Caring?
Are you substituting the illusion of intimacy provided by an object or event for the genuine intimacy found in a healthy relationship?
If you answered yes to even one of the four questions, your sexual behavior is either compulsive or addictive.
Addictive Stages
While the four questions help determine if we have a problem, they don't tell us the extent of the problem. In order to determine that, we need to familiarize ourselves with the levels of addictions.[2]
Pre-addiction
Pre-addiction describes people who begin to find themselves sexually stimulated through impersonal objects, like pornography, or events, like strip clubs.
If you're at this level, your life is probably under control. You're holding down a job, and your relationship with your wife or girlfriend is intact. However, you realize that while your fascination with pornography, strip shows, or erotic talk lines isn't compulsive, it is dangerous. You may be troubled by the feeling that your slumbering lust could awaken and take over at any moment.
Level 1
At level 1 a man's lust has begun to exert its control. He's compulsively involved in such things as masturbation, pornography, homosexuality, or demeaning heterosexual relationships.
When a man reaches level 1, something significant has happened. While before he always struggled to keep his lust under control, now it's running wild. In his book The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken notes that the single most important aspect of level 1 addictions is the emergence of the addictive personality.[3] A man's lust, like a great dragon, has awakened from its slumber and threatens to take over his life.
I experienced this the night I looked through my neighbor's window. It reminded me of the first time I got high on marijuana. I entered a new world and wanted to return to that world. There's something about that first high that people want to recreate. Similarly, a man who enters level 1 awakens his lust in a powerful way. And that initial experience is one he wants to recreate. When we enter level 1, the addictive part of our personality has been stirred. And make no mistake about it, the beast has an insatiable appetite that can slowly take over our life.
Level 2
When a man reaches level 2, he's taken a bigger and more dangerous step. Now his behavior involves victims and violations of the law. His activities include prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, and touching a person intimately without consent. Most of the time he's considered more of a nuisance than a criminal, but unfortunately his behavior can inflict deep emotional pain on his victims.
Men who are exhibitionists or voyeurs will carry out their secret behavior for years. Living double lives, they're in constant fear of being caught.
All kinds of “good” people reach level 2. Hardly a week passes without a news story about a politician, teacher, or Hollywood star picking up a prostitute or making an unwanted sexual advance.
Level 3
By the time a man reaches level 3, his behavior involves serious crimes in which severe damage is done to the victim. Rape, incest, and child molestation occur at this level.
The Moment of Truth
By now you should know if you're hooked. You should also have a feel for how far your sexual compulsion has progressed. While most of us would prefer avoiding the truth for as long as we can, eventually the moment of truth will arrive. Something will happen to force you to admit that your life is out of control.
* You'll accidentally leave a pornographic image on your computer monitor, and someone at work will report it to your boss.
* One of your kids will find your stash of X-rated videos.
* A policeman will arrive at your place of work because a neighbor has identified you as a Peeping Tom.
* Your wife will leave because you've had another affair.
* The school counselor will call because you've been reported to the child care agency for improperly touching a neighbor child.
For Samson, the moment of truth arrived near the end of his life. Blinded by lust, he slept in Delilah's lap while a Philistine barber cut his hair. A moment after the last strand fell, his enemies burst into his presence. Isolated from God, he was powerless to resist. Israel's champion became a bald-headed clown who entertained the Philistines.
Samson had fallen. He would never gaze at another Philistine woman. His enemies had made sure of that when they gouged out his eyes (Judges 16:20-21).
Many people believe that Samson's story ends on a tragic note. I don't. Although he was blind and imprisoned, his hair began to grow, and so did his relationship with God. The Lord forgave Samson and used him one last time. The hero of Judah pulled down a Philistine temple, destroying himself and his enemies.
Samson learned firsthand what every man must know. God is the God of a second and third and fourth chance. He never gives up on us.
References
1. Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, (Minneapolis: CompCare, 1983), 160. [up]
2. Ibid., 27. [up]
3. Craig Nakken, The Addictive Personality (New York: Harper & Row, 1988), 24. [up]
Author: Bill Perkins , text excerpted from his book When Good Men Are Tempted. This Web page supplied by Eden Communications with permission from Zondervan and the author.
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Showing posts with label Sexology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexology. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
How can I tell if I'm getting addicted to sex or pornography?
How to Deal with Your Sexual Addiction pornography, cybersex, phone sex, masturbation, etc.
Often, those who contact us have told no one else about their problem. They suffer in silence. If you are such a person, please contact us. Don't ignore the problem; it will only get worse and the damage will spread.
If you find yourself engulfed in a sexual addiction, here are some general tips that have helped many in their journey toward restoration and healing:
1. Face the facts
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). There are many ways that we humans sin and fall short—lying, greed, stealing, adultery, taking the Lord's name in vain, and many other selfish acts. All sins are equally serious before our Holy God.
If there is some sexual sin in your life, the first step toward improvement is to understand and admit what you have done. If you have given yourself to pornography or sexual fantasies involving people other than your spouse, you have been committing adultery. Jesus said:
"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).
Grasp the seriousness of this. You have been breaking a commandment of God. You have turned something beautiful (sex), into something ugly, selfish and damaging. If you are married, then you have been unfaithful to your spouse. If single, you are sinning against the dear person you may one day marry. If you are returning to this behavior over and over again, despite your desire to stop, then you are out control. You are addicted. If this is the case, and you can admit it, then congratulations; you have taken the first step toward recovery.
2. Spiritual salvation
2.
The single biggest factor in combatting such an addiction is to come under the authority of Jesus Christ. You are involved in a spiritual battle. "The Scripture contains no promise of help in overcoming temptation for those who are unsaved." If you are not yet a Christian, we strongly urge you to confess your sin and totally surrender your life to Him. Accept His gift of eternal salvation for your soul. After accepting Christ, some are totally delivered from their addictions. (See our helpful resource page. Also, see: How can I be sure of my salvation?)
"But, I am saved" - If there is no doubt that you have already committed your life to Jesus Christ and are relying on His sin-covering blood for your salvation, then do not let your sin cause you to doubt your salvation. Instead, deal with your sin. Confess it, and rededicate your life to Christ. Don't hold back any part of your life from Him. Humble yourself totally before God. Surrender it all. Ask Him to help you live a life of purity and true love. Accept your own failure and inadequacy. Admit that you cannot overcome sin on your own.
The apostle Paul understood the frustration and terrible hold that our inherited sin has on all descendants of Adam and Eve:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. …I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.
Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"
--Romans 7:15-24 (NIV)
3. Admit your weakness, seek God's help
All humans are selfish and sinful; it is our nature. Addiction to pornography and other sexual sins are particularly potent in their effect, similar to a seductive and powerful drug. Once it has a hold on you, it is very difficult to resist. In fact, it is virtually impossible to overcome on your own. You must have God's help.
God cannot work with you if you are still trying to overcome sin on your own; it is a form of pridefulness. You are, in effect, saying to God "I can take care of this myself." Consider these verses:
"The wicked in his proud countenance does not seek God…" (Psalm 10:4). "Pride goes before destruction…" (Proverbs 16:18). "When pride comes, then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom" (Proverbs 11:2).
"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You" (Isa 26:3, NKJV).
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" (I Peter 5:6-7).
You see, God's willingness to “exalt you” (lift you up spiritually) is dependent on your willingness to humble yourself before Him. But the second part is just as important: God cares for you so much that He is willing to take all of your cares (worries, anxieties, needs, fears, desires, challenges, regrets, etc.) upon Himself. In other words, humble yourself by accepting your inability to handle the cares of life and give them all over to God. THEN He will lift you up spiritually, and you will find peace and freedom unlike anything you've ever known.
The Holy Spirit will be the most powerful in your life, when you are the most humble—when you get your own interests and desires out of the way. Then, He can produce in you the fruit He promised: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23).
Notice that last one—self control. It is important to see that self control is not simply a matter of one's will; it is, in fact, a fruit of the Holy Spirit working in us. What a merciful God we have! As we learn to depend more and more on God to see us through each day, and we become more aware of His presence moment by moment, we find that over time the magnet of sexual sin loses its strength.
4. Prayer power
#
Prayer is conversation with our Creator. It is a child's communion with his Father. The Bible emphasizes that it should have a very high priority in our lives. Continual prayer is very important to your recovery. If there was ever a time in your life when you need to pray, it is now. It is the Christian's greatest weapon against the sin nature and the dangers and temptations of this world. "Anything of value in the kingdom of God is initiated in and dependent on prayer." Rely on God, and learn to think as He does. This will bring a revolution of good in your life.
Here's how to pray, each and every day…
1.
Confess all known sin
Read: Psalm 51 | Mark 7:20-23 | 1 John 1:7-10
2.
Renounce conformity to the world
Read: Romans 12:2, 6:13-14
3.
Ardently seek an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. He will give you a richer, more meaningful life.
Read: John 10:10, 15:5-12 | Ephesians 3:14-19 | Philippians 3:10-14
4.
Offer your body as a “living sacrifice” to God
See: Romans 12:1-2 | 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
5.
Worship God
Read: John 4:23-24 | Philippians 3:3
6.
Thank and praise God. Thank Him for his grace and mercy, praise Him, and keep seeking His mercy. Thank God for answered prayer.
Read: What should we thank God for, and how should we praise Him? | Thanksgiving, do the right thing | Are you thankful to God? | Philippians 4:6-7 | Colossians 4:2
7.
Ask God for help in living a pure and loving life
See: Philippians 4:6-7 | Hebrews 4:16
5. Reading and memorizing Scripture
#
Memorizing scripture is an often overlooked weapon that should be in every Christian's arsenal. Memorize James 1:14 and 1 Corinthians 10:13 and quote them when you are tempted.
Open your Bible at Psalm 51 and make it your own prayer.
The following passages are also helpful in dealing with lust and sexual immorality:
Matthew 5:27-30 | 1 Peter 2:11 | Romans 8:13 | Romans 6:12 | 1 Corinthians 6:13 | Galatians 5:17 | Philippians 4:8 | 2 Timothy 2:22 | Psalm 101:2,3 | Proverbs 6:25-29 | Proverbs 5:18-20 | Proverbs 8:13 | Job 31:1-4 | Matthew 5:8 | Romans 8:6 | 1 Corinthians 6:9 | 1 Corinthians 6:18-19 | 2 Corinthians 10:5, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 | James 1:15; 4:3 | 1 John 2:16
Not only should Scripture memory be a regular part of your life as a Christian, reading the Bible regularly should as well. Read the Bible daily, without fail. We offer two plans that assist you in reading through the entire Bible: One-Year Plan / Three-Year Plan.
6. Accountability
#
Although it is healthy to be ashamed of the sins you are involved in, don't let that shame become one of Satan's weapons to keep you trapped. Secrecy is often a Christian's biggest enemy, while confession can bring freedom and release from the bondage of an overwhelming sense of shame. If no one knows of your personal moral failures, there is no one to be accountable to, or to help lift you up in prayer or encourage you. Don't let your pride destroy you (Prov. 29:23; Mark 7:21; 2 Chr, 32:26). In an accountability relationship, you choose a confidant that you can be honest and open with about your addiction. Confess your sin (James 5:16). Be sure to choose someone of the same sex. Preferably, select a discrete person that has some spiritual maturity in their walk with Christ, and who has a helpful, non-condemning spirit.
Some of you are church leaders or teachers. We fully understand that breaking total secrecy about your sin is going to be especially difficult. But it is still necessary. God requires more of shepherds (not less) and holds them more accountable. Trust God and pray about who He would have assist you. Humble yourself. Proceed with wisdom and faith. Do what needs to be done. As a leader, it is even more important for you to do what is right and to deal decisively with your sin.
If your addiction involves viewing Internet pornography, there is an Internet service that can assist you. CovenantEyes.net is an on-line accountability service. They point out that "while Internet filters can provide some help, they can also block acceptable web sites, creating frustration. Filters can also be turned off or bypassed, rendering them ineffective. The Covenant Eyes Program removes the secrecy and privacy of using the Internet. Covenant Eyes promotes self-control and personal discipline, and the individual is held accountable in their Internet use."
It works by logging the address of each Web site visited, then compiling a list of visited sites that can be viewed on-line by your accountability partner. Users often find their temptation dramatically reduced and often leave it altogether once they know someone is monitoring their Web usage.
0.7 Blocking Internet pornography
If you spend much time on the Internet, computer monitoring (as mentioned above with Covenant Eyes) or Internet filters are highly recommended. There are many filters to choose from, including:
*
AFA Filter—single profile, with no password overrides. This means no guessed or cracked passwords, resulting in maximum protection for children and adults. About $40/yr. See: AFAfilter.com
*
Hedgebuilders—free to pastors, missionaries, and Christian schools. Others pay a small fee. See: Hedge.org
8. Guard your heart, avoid temptations
Guard your heart with all diligence (Proverbs 4:23). Don't let the demonic realm influence your thought-life (Ephesians 6:12-20). If you give yourself to sinful fantasies and pursuits, you will become their slave (Romans 6:16).
A simple change of habit can do wonders in keeping you from temptation. For example, if you are most tempted when you spend time on the computer after your spouse has gone to bed, then make a commitment to stay off of the computer during that time. If you know that a certain street you drive down causes you to lust due to certain establishments on it, or prostitutes that hang around, or alluring billboards, you would be wise to travel a different route.
"Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word" (Psalm 119:37).
Stephen Arterburn in his book Every Man's Battle talks about retraining the eyes to “bounce away” from visual things that stimulate lust in you. For men, this might mean you need to look away as soon as you see a scantily dressed female jogger. Don't fuel your lust. Avert your eyes from temptations, and don't look back.
The same applies to visual temptations on magazines at the grocery store checkout line, or billboards, television programming and commercials. A good habit can be formed in around two weeks. Keep bouncing your gaze away, and remarkable improvement can be noticed rather quickly.
Destroy all pornographic materials in your possession—magazines, books, videos, and computer files. Make no provision for your flesh (Romans 13:14). If you can't control yourself, then you must then get rid of every possible access to pornographic material in your life (Internet, cable TV, etc.). Stop feeding the fire.
If some friendships cause too much temptation, severe those relationships.
SUMMARY
Remember that God loves you, no matter what kind of sin and selfishness you have immersed yourself in, no matter what your destruction your sin has produced. Confess your sin, and admit the gravity of it. Understand that it is impossible to overcome sin totally on your own. Depend on God's help, and seek the support of others. Saturate your mind with God's Word. Pray often. Create barriers to reduce your exposure to temptation. Confess your sin to another Christian (preferably of the same sex), and ask them to pray regularly for you and hold you accountable. Continue to read and learn about your addiction. Seek professional help, especially if the problem is severe and your life has been shattered. Get to work on rebuilding your life, now. If you would like a concerned and discreet Christian to advise you by e-mail about your specific problem, contact us.
Author: Ken James of Eden Communications, with contributions by Paul S. Taylor, Brian Lunde and Ray Comfort. Editor: Paul S. Taylor.
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Is there a way to overcome my lust for sex?
You Can't Overpower Your Lust
The apostle Paul understood our predicament. He told the Romans, "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" (Romans 7:18-19).
I'm not suggesting that Paul struggled with compulsive sexual behavior, but he did struggle with sin-just like the rest of us. And like the rest of us, he would make up his mind not to commit a certain sin ever again. Did he succeed? No way! Now, if
the apostle Paul couldn't overpower his sin, why should you and I think we can?
Even in a world free of erotic images, men don't control their lust. My oldest son called me last week from Pakistan. In that country men and women never hang out together. And women are covered with clothing from their head to their feet. Yet my son said he met a guy who offered to introduce him to some prostitutes.
If men in a country like that can't control their lust, how can we? From the moment we get up in the morning until we climb between the sheets at night, we're bombarded with erotic images and messages.
Suppose you made up your mind you were going to make it through one day without lusting after a woman. On your way to work your eyes are drawn to the bikini-clad model greeting you from a billboard. A few moments later as you stop at an intersection, you aren't able to keep from noticing the attractively dressed young woman crossing the street.
At work a friend brags about the gorgeous babe he bedded the night before. As you order lunch, the waitress with the short skirt winks at you and smiles. When you get back to the office, a coworker eagerly shows you his favorite erotic image on the Internet.
On your way home you stop at the grocery store and catch yourself gazing at the seminude models that adorn the magazines by the checkout counter.
When you finally get home, you plop down in an easy chair and flip on the TV. As you channel surf, you're exposed to more of the female anatomy than I found in the pages of Playboy when I was a kid.
With the high level of erotic stimulation you face on a daily basis, do you believe you can bridle your lust alone? I remember a friend once telling me (and he said this with a straight face), "I'll never have a problem with sexual lust."
I looked at him and said, "You're absolutely amazing. If that's true, you're stronger than Samson, godlier that David, and wiser than Solomon."
I'll never forget his response. He sat down and stared at me for a half minute without uttering a word. And then he said, "I never though of it like that."
I'll guarantee you, if Samson, David, and Solomon were here, they'd all say, "You can't defeat your lust alone!"
You Can't Reform Your Lust
“OK,” you may be thinking, "maybe I can't beat it. But I can make myself better. I can reform my lust."
I frequently talk with new Christians who think that becoming a follower of Christ means the lust problem is solved. It's as though they think Jesus waved some sort of magic wand over them and-presto!—their sinful nature was transformed. Their lust was gone.
When they discover that their problem with lust seems even worse than before, they decide they'll study the Bible and pray more. Much to their surprise, that doesn't seem to solve the problem, either.
Listen to Paul's words. In Romans 7:10-11 he said, "The very command that was supposed to guide me into life was cleverly used to trip me up, throwing me headlong."[1]
As sinful human beings, our lustful appetites are so evil, they'll use God's good commands to tempt us. Like a rod stirring up dirt that has settled to the bottom of a jar of water, so God's law excites our lust. Forbidden things are more exciting. Women who are off-limits take on a greater appeal. God says don't and our lust says do. God says do and our lust says don't.
Trying to reform our lust is like trying to make a dog into a person. For thirteen years a buff-colored cocker spaniel named Pumpkin graced our family. Over those years I taught Pumpkin all kinds of tricks. She obeyed the common commands like sit, lie down, and roll over. I also trained her to jump through a hoop, close a door, sit on her hind legs, and fall over as though dead when I shot her with an imaginary gun.
Yet in spite of all my training, I couldn't keep Pumpkin from acting like a dog. She always did doggy things. She ate things people tried not to step in. She sniffed other dogs in places only dogs sniff. She went to the bathroom in public. No matter how well I trained Pumpkin, she was still a dog.
Similarly, your sinful propensity doesn't reform when you enter a church. It doesn't change when you come to faith in Christ. You can go to church, read your Bible, pray daily, and even lead a ministry without reforming your sinful nature. Paul said, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature" (Romans 7:18).
When we fall under the domination of our sinful nature, we're capable of doing anything evil, whether we're believers or not. When controlled by our lust, we can no more do good than a dog can talk.
Yet when dealing with their lust, men sometimes think they can reform it. They deny its evil power.
You may grow as a Christian. You may become more like Christ in your spiritual nature. But in the flesh, in your sinful nature, you're no better than the day you trusted Christ. And because your lust is driven by sin, you can't reform it.
You Can't Starve Your Lust
One of the problems I have with a lot of recovery programs is that their primary emphasis is on abstinence. They think the key to defeating an addiction is to stop the behavior. Now, please don't misunderstand me. We can't control any addiction unless we stop acting out. But if that's all we do, it won't work. We'll simply change addictions. For example, our lust will transfer from sex to alcohol. And if we stop drinking, it will move on to shopping or work or gambling.
It's impossible to starve our lust to death. Until the day we're with the Lord, we'll struggle with sin. A number of years ago I read a poem that describes the struggle and defeat we experience when we fight against our lust alone. W It's entitled “The Yipiyuk” (by Shel Silverstein).
In the swamplands long ago,
Where the weeds and mudglumps grow,
A Yipiyuk bit on my toe…
Exactly why I do not know.
I kicked and cried and hollered "Oh!"
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
I whispered to him soft and low.
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
Yes, that was sixteen years ago,
And the Yipiyuk still won't let go.
The snow may fall, the winds may blow.
The Yipiyuk will not let go.
I drag him 'round each place I go,
And now my child at last you know
exactly why I walk so slow.
Like the Yipiyuk, your sinful nature will resist letting go. For a while you may ignore it. Later you may insist it doesn't really have a hold on you. But if you hope to break its power, you must first realize it's there and admit you don't have the power to dislodge it.
Hopefully, you'll tire of fighting a losing battle. Paul did. In desperation he cried out, "Oh, what a terrible predicament I'm in! Who will free me from … this deadly lower nature?" (Romans 7:24 LB).
If someone as spiritually together as Paul realized he was fighting a losing battle, isn't it time for you to do the same thing? I know giving up isn't easy. But it's a step you must take if you're going to find lasting freedom.
You may now begin to see your powerlessness to overcome your lust, and sense your need for God's help.
As a next step, we suggest that you read author Bill Perkin's excellent book When Good Men Are Tempted. Bill details a biblical plan for sexual integrity - one that works, with God's love and assistance.
References
1. Eugene H. Peterson, The Message (Colorado Springs: Nav Press, 1993, 1994, 1995), 375. [up]
Supplied by Eden Communications with permission from Zondervan.
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The Trap of Pornography
 |
| a Trap |
—by Mark, age 22
I don't remember the first time I went to church or the first time I kneeled down to pray, but I do remember the first time I ever saw a pornographic magazine.
Sometime between my 5th and 7th birthdays, I discovered the trap of pornography. It was the early 80's and all that was around my father's house was his Penthouse magazines. My parents were divorced and I was at the beginning of the rocky and dirty road of sexual addiction.
By the age of 8 I thought I knew all I needed to know about women. They were there for sexual pleasure, period. Of course, this wasn't something I outwardly admitted, but I wore the mask.
About the age of twelve I began to attend a local church group for young teens. I made some wonderful friends there and enjoyed the time I spend with them. Funny thing was, as soon as I would get home, I would wait for my mother to go to sleep. Then I would turn on the television to the Playboy channel (which was scrambled) and watch intently, hoping to somehow catch a glimpse of the couples on the screen. I had begun an absolutely horrible habit. I was masturbating for hours everyday, sometimes more than once.
By the time I was 18 I left home, and my Internet. However my addiction to porn was SO strong that I snuck away from my friends and found myself browsing the selections of pornography magazines. At times I would feel guilty and unclean, but I never knew what it meant.
However, after I gave my life to Jesus last year (when I was 21) my entire lifestyle changed out of desire to live according to Jesus' teaching. I suddenly knew that what I was doing was wrong and God gave me the strength to push it aside. But slowly…like a leaky faucet, sin slowly began to creep back into my unaware body. Before long I was masturbating again, but now I was ripped apart from the guilt of my obvious sin.
One day I had just had enough and I decided to seek help. I found out there was a book out called "Every Man's Battle" that was written by two God fearing fellows that had followed a very similar path to mine. Over the course of time I realized that my sexual sin wasn't just with the Internet, safely locked away on my computer. It was everywhere in my life. Satan had me where it counted, but God had used this incredibly real book to shine light on the dark areas of my soul.
I can say now with confidence, though I am still battling temptation - I have the Lord by my side. He has helped me get this far, and I do know, with the power of the Holy Spirit, I can kick Satan out of his comfort zone in my heart. I am clean from within, and Jesus has purged my of my sins and gives me the strength daily to fight temptations of the flesh, and stay right with Him.
If you are struggling with sexual temptation in your life, don't be the introvert that finds him/herself in the deep pit I was in. Many other men and women have found themselves in the same pit, but never found their way out. Don't be a statistic. Seek help from wise counsel brothers and sisters, and most of all, seek the Lord your God, Jesus Christ. He knows your troubles and is ringing the doorbell. Open the door to your heart and let Him in…
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Is oral sex biblically wrong within marriage?
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No where does the Bible forbid it or discuss it. There is no biblical evidence that it is a sin against God for a husband and wife to express love for each other in this way. Even the book of Leviticus, which mentions many Old Testament sex-related prohibitions and rules for the Israelites, never mentions it. We see no reason to believe that expressing affection for one's mate in this way is forbidden or would necessarily harm one's walk with God.
We are aware that some have tried to make a biblical issue out of what parts of the body a married couple can and cannot kiss. In their minds, there is only only one biblical form of sexual expression in marriage, sexual intercourse. They attempt to defend their viewpoint on biblical grounds—trying to make it into a holiness issue. However, no where do we see Scripture putting such limits on the sexual relationship of a godly husband and wife, even Levitical priests (who were forbidden to do many things).
Most knowledgeable and spiritually mature Christians realize that God is the author of sex and love, and every part and sensation of the human body, and that He intended the relationship between husband and wife to be loving, sensuous, joyful, creative and full of pleasure.
Read the somewhat cryptic Song of Solomon from a lover's point of view. Using delicate, romantic language and metaphors, it describes a beautiful, affectionate, romantic, sensuous, joyful and passionate love between husband and wife. It seems to be speaking of the lovers tasting, eating and drinking of each other's bodies (Song of Songs 2:3; 4:16; 8:2). One cannot be sure what this means exactly, but certainly we see no evidence here or elsewhere that God is concerned with what part of their bodies might be touching, including where they kissed their mate. (About the Song of Solomon, see the WebBible Encyclopedia http://ChristianAnswers.Net/dictionary/solomonsongof.html)
God is concerned about your love for each other. He wants all Christians, including husbands and wives, to be kind to each other, patient, respectful and unselfish. Ultimate love is pure in motive and action. Follow that goal, and you are not likely to go wrong.
What about Sodom?
Perhaps you have heard some one claim that oral lovemaking in marriage as wrong by associating it with the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. This comparison is misguided and offensive. It is quite clear that Sodom's problems had nothing to do with how godly, loving marriage partners were expressing their affection for each other.
To the contrary, there was a total lack of godly, loving, heterosexual marriage partners in Sodom (save Lot and his wife). We shall not name the many gross and demonically inspired evils that probably took place among the wicked there. It is better left unsaid. Suffice it to say that the list would sicken most people. “The men of Sodom were exceedingly wicked and sinful against the Lord” (Genesis 13:13). Serious students of the Bible and archaeology know that the kind of things that were going on at Sodom were done by extremely ungodly people, expressing enormous selfishness, total lack of love, extreme spiritual depravity, and major rebellion against God. In other words, the sex lives of godly husbands and wives was not an issue at these cities, nor did it have anything to do with its destruction.
Although the Bible is silent on the specifics of what you have asked (apparently leaving it up to the mutual agreement of the marriage partners), it is not silent on sex in marriage. Conservative Christian marriage counselors Dr. Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins point out that…
“…a biblical understanding of sex dispels false fears and inhibitions. …The Scriptures tell us clearly that the joyous sexual expression of love between husband and wife is God's plan. …Uninformed people have actually considered the Victorian view to be biblical because they think the Bible forbids all earthly pleasures. Certainly not! In fact, the Bible is far more 'liberated' concerning sex than untaught people realize. In God's view there is a mutuality of experience between husband and wife. Each has an equal right to the other's body. Each has not only the freedom but also the responsibility to please the other and to be pleased in return. …These basic principles concerning the enjoyment of sex in marriage are found in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5…
The principle of need… a commandment, to meet our mate's sexual needs…
The principle of authority… when we marry, we actually relinquish the right to our own body, and turn that authority over to our mate. …the wife's body now belongs to the husband. The husband's body now belongs to the wife. This means that we must love our mate's body and care for it as our own…
The principle of habit… we must not cheat our partner by abstaining from the habit of sex, except by mutual consent for a brief time” [Love Life for Every Married Couple, pp. 70-73].
Copyright © 2001, Eden Communications, All Rights Reserved.
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